What a place Hayes is, the Beirut of England! We were buzzed by a 747 that was so low, you hear the pilot's prayers as it went into land at Heathrow. There were more speed traps in Hayes, than at any motor racing circuit I've ever been to.

So we didn't get off to a good start. This was followed by meeting the Stage Manager from Hell! I have to say that this was the worsted gig of my entire life. I kid you not, that is some accolade to bestow on a Theatre after all the venues I have performed at.

I will save her from embarrassment by not naming her, but needless to say that she wasn't going to let me use my guns on the stage. I informed her that if I couldn't, there would be no show, so she had to relent. Then, she said that I couldn't smoke on stage without a SAND filled ashtray!!! So we got one, but I decided to use the floor during the gig instead.

Finally, to add insult to injury, she also had a go at Dickie (my tour bus driver) and Davey backstage during my show. I was not impressed. I have some colourful career advice for her, but unlike my show, I can't be rude here so I won't give it. Still, the audience was great and managed to make up for some of the abuse.

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